Welcome to Storybrooke
by dontmakemeatarget
Summary: Little tiny one-shot in the style of Welcome to Night Vale. Major crack going on. No pairings, no making sense of any kind. Just complete randomness.


A/N: Yeah just a little one-shot in the style of Welcome to Night Vale because I got really bored today and have been listening to that podcast all week. It's weird and ridiculous but if you have heard WTNV and think it's funny you might enjoy this. I'm really not sure why I posted this but oh well here it is.

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Déjà vu is a strange phenomenon….Welcome to Storybrooke.

*peppy carnival music plays for precisely 2.03 seconds*

I'm sorry, folks, I seem to have misplaced the regular track. I suspect the new intern here at the station is behind it. She's been gunning for my job since she started here and she's just trying to make me look bad. And to her, I'd just like to point out that I've been running this show for as long as I, or anyone else can remember so, LAY OFF, MONIQUE!

It's 8:15pm here in our quiet little town, or so says our clock tower. It could be lying I suppose. I've always thought it was an untrustworthy character. Though of course, it's been stuck on 8:15 pm since it was struck by lightning back in 1955. At least that's what my sources, which are small woodland creatures that visit me in my sleep, have told me.

And now, the news.

The Storybrooke Dragons, our local High School football team has won the Division Championship once again this year for the 28th straight year. Gooooo Dragons! Spectators reported that it was a close game and we nearly lost it at the end but a surge late in the fourth quarter sealed our victory. I suppose it was school spirit that helped our young athletes win or perhaps it was the fact that once again, no neighboring communities showed up to compete against them.

This just in, it appears as though a new person has arrived in town just now. I was delivered this news not a moment ago by a small carrier pigeon carrying a sticky note bearing only two words, "fresh meat". According to the carrier pigeon translation book that is here at the station written by that one guy in town who picks up pop cans along the side of the road and has been using them to create a set of statues reminiscent of the Easter Island stone statues with which he plans to use ancient wiccan magic to bring to life and put on a tribute to the musical Chicago, those words means our quaint little town has finally attracted a tourist.

There will be not be any more on this story as that carrier pigeon that delivered that sticky note has been murdered by all the other pigeons in town for delivering that message. As you all know, the pigeons of the town got together sometime ago and all decided that it was no longer their job to do the bidding of us humans and have not delivered messages since October 4th of last year. There will be a funeral for the carrier pigeon tomorrow at noon by the dumpster outside of Granny's Diner. Nobody is allowed to attend this funeral unless they are blood related to this carrier pigeon. The other pigeons in town have already announced that they plan to protest this funeral. If you would like to join them in their protest, that is acceptable and the pigeons ask that you wear a red armband on your right arm up around your bicep. The armband must be visible and is not allowed to have any alterations to it, just a plain red armband. If you do not comply with these rules you will be subject to execution by firing squad, which will be carried out by our local chapter of PETA.

Yesterday a new city ordinance was put in place which requires that all dogs are kept on a 2'3.5'' leash at all times, even within your homes. This ordinance was passed at the behest of Miss. Ginger during a meeting with the Mayor. This meeting was held during the Mayor's hot yoga session and her assent to the ordinance was conveyed through sharp hisses and spits while she was attempting the yoga pose known as the crane.

Miss Ginger's reason for requesting the passage of this ordinance was because dogs apparently keep attacking her every time she leaves her house. Packs of them flock to her every time. She gave a doctor's note to the Mayor indicating that she is allergic to dogs and can no longer go on with these constant assaults from so many dogs. When reporters went to investigate the validity of the claim they spoke with Miss Ginger's doctor, who is actually just two small children, one sitting on top of the other's shoulders, wearing a lab coat. The "doctor" informed our reporters, who shall remain nameless as they were born without names, a rare and deadly birth defect, that Miss Ginger's allergy is fake but they decided to write the doctor's note anyway just to see if they could get away with it.

However, our local police force, which our Sheriff insists on calling his "lone man wolf pack" has informed me and requested that I inform all of you that since no one really likes Miss Ginger anyway and dogs are way better than Miss Ginger he will not be enforcing this city ordinance, which in case any of you were wondering is City Ordinance No. 93-blue-785-*whistles*-12. The fact that the "lone man wolf pack" is going to ignore this ordinance is a secret.

Do not speak of this fact.

If you do, the Sheriff will vehemently deny he ever said anything about not enforcing this ordinance and the mention of it by anyone will be met with the people of the town forcing you to climb the apple tree out front of city hall and picking all the apples while singing a Spice Girls song of your choosing until you fall out of the tree from fatigue. If you happen to pick all of the apples before falling out of it, the crowd is at liberty to pelt you with the apples that you had just previously picked for as long as they see fit or until you beg for Mercy.

If Mercy, the town jungle cat in charge of all forced apple-pelting ceremonies does not show up…well then that's just too bad I guess. I have no information on what is supposed to happen if he doesn't show up. All records, which are written with mustard on slices of bread, indicate that Mercy has always shown up. Maybe one of you should try this just so we can try to find out what happens if Mercy doesn't show up. If you would like to volunteer to do this, I ask that you hire a sky writer to write your name and contact information into the sky at exactly 3:17:23 tomorrow afternoon. Mercy, if you are listening, do not show up the next time someone begs for you, we all want to know what happens if you don't show up.

And that's all I have for you folks this evening. Goodnight.


End file.
